Oh hello, insomnia. We meet again.

Every day, I become more restless. It's just unbelievable how quickly time is pushing me towards Oxford! Unfortunately, an exhaustive to-do list stands between me and that flight to Heathrow. Hmm.

But really. That's all that ever occupies my mind, aside from my growing desire to learn how to swing dance. I suppose that will have to wait. One of my major undertakings is this (ridiculous) travel portfolio I have to whip out for my Global Studies class. So much for this no homework between semesters beeswax, I've got predeparture documents to prepare. To top it all off, in between forced writing sessions, my dreams are all in French. Mais oui.

However, this semester should be quite the doozy. Lots of structured wandering. Around countries. Feel free to join me.

"Le bonheur ne vient jamais comme on l'a imagine."

making amends

I'm not good at this.

My stomach does flips when I think about how I am going to leave everything. Nothing is resolved or tied up in a neat little package. I feel like the relationships that have grown this semester are just at risk to be knocked two steps back. Now I'm in this stupid state of withdrawal. My heart won't let anything new in.

Then there's the remorse that haunts me over my failed attempts to fix things. I don't have much else to say about that, other than the fact that it's there.

I need some peace in the bumpy moments.

i feel like i'm about to start over.

November was a blur.. and all of a sudden, it's exam week.

Deep breath. It's going to be okay.
But I am going to miss everyone like crazy.
Just a few more days left before I haul my crap back to Austin, and I'm not sure I really like that idea. So while I try to soften the blow with denial, I'm up to my neck in reviews.

Then finally, finally I get to use this blog for its original purpose: to document my semester in Oxford.

Meanwhile, acute breakdowns interrupt my dreams of hot tea and European travels. Believe me when I say I'll miss you dearly.

Bon soir.

simple love

I'm such a mess.

I love that. Every day has been difficult in such beautiful manner. Being critical, I find something to upset myself over. It's stupid, but I manage to get back into a spot where it hurts. The process drains me. Yet when I reach the moments I feel the most isolated and alone, a voice floods my mind. God says, I love you. Let me take it from here. The truths I once denied about myself now flow simply. He makes me finally, finally believe that I hold worth. He carries me higher, glory to glory. I'm falling in love all over again.

An unexpected source of encouragement crept into my email this afternoon. A note from my Mimi brought me to tears as I read how she treasured being able to spend the past weekend with me and my immediate family. What a blessing! I doubt she even knows that my mundane little blog exists, but Mimi, you made my week. I love you.

I ran across this song a few weeks ago. I think I'm obsessed. :]

Green River Ordinance - Endlessly

She is my rock and my rolling thunder,
I've been the spell she was under,
I, I love that girl,
She is my cigarettes and champagne,
She's got me strong but I'm not running,
I, I love that girl,
I, I love that girl

She is the days I can't get over,
She is the nights that I call home,
Endlessly,
For you I'll always wait,
caught in the waves of hesitation,
Lost in the sea of my own doubt,
Endlessly,
For you I'll always wait,
For you I'll always wait

She is the flames in the fire, she's raging,
I've been the spark in the war she's waging,
I, I love that girl,
She came along and she spoke so sweetly,
Changed everything, took my heart completely,
I, I love that girl
I, I love that girl

She is the days I can't get over,
She is the nights that I call home,
Endlessly,
For you I'll always wait,
caught in the waves of hesitation,
Lost in the sea of my own doubt,
Endlessly,
For you I'll always wait

In city bars and empty cars,
It's 3am, I wonder where you are,
And the crooked smiles,
and the worn out miles between us,
and I wonder where you are

She is the days I can't get over,
She is the nights that I call home,
Endlessly,
For you I'll always wait,
caught in the waves of hesitation,
Lost in the sea of my own doubt,
Endlessly,
For you I'll always wait

being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

It has been a volatile week. This past weekend was the KLF College Advance (like a retreat but.. forward) and it was nothing short of powerful. I felt restored, inspired, relaxed, and on top of things.

My heart was broken Sunday night as I shared loss with one of my roommates. Her sister lost her unborn son. I certainly lack the right things to say for these tender moments, but this experience made a rend in my heart that pales in comparison to the shock and pain her entire family felt. And I learned. Through trials and moments when we are absolutely sure we cannot make it one step further, prayer takes us bounds further. I learned what real trust is, seeing a family that takes a situation of enormous emotional magnitude and hands it to the Lord. Without Him, we cannot begin to feel healing or peace.

I allow the roadblocks and difficulties I face to swallow me alive. I naively let myself believe that a central issue must consume me, invade every thought. When I know that the Lord provides for even the birds and makes the grass of the field blossom, I still take matters into my own hands. Real trust is falling.

So I take it one day at a time. Because I know that it is possible. I have been affirmed, and am continually surprised to remember that God loves every single silly thing about us. We are His beloved.

"My times are in Your hands.."
Psalm 31

Proverbs 19:21

I'm disappointed in myself. Sad that I didn't get what I wanted (spoiled?), but moreover just feel like a incredible failure. I did my best. Really. God loves me and I truly find my identity in that alone. So I know, full well, that this is no indication of my worth. I just feel stupid that I couldn't even make it in.. the only one out of the 5 girls that pledged in my pod that didn't make the cut. And that just kinda bites.

This transition is going to bother me, I'm afraid. I don't want to be pitied or have people make an effort to avoid the subject of social clubs just to protect my feelings. Thanks, but no thanks. Sorry if that sounded sassy. You know that wasn't my intention. Just understand that it sucks sometimes to be surrounded by reminders that you didn't make the cut. Still, I am SO excited for all my lovely, beautiful girls that did.. You will have a wonderful time this semester, and I am blessed to have you in my life in the first place. God has been so, so good in blessing my life.

That being said, I'm afraid that they'll be busy with fun club things and adjustment will just hurt. Of course the dynamic won't be the same, I'm just not always a pro at adjusting to change, apologies. Thank goodness not everyone in my life is in club, so the adjustment will be okay. I LOVE that God has a purpose for me, and this is the beginning of it. This semester has so much potential, I want to get involved in some big project and just rock it. I mean, really anything.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

answers.

I don't always know the right thing to say. Or say anything at all. This week has fully revealed that to me. Without disclosing every detail, I know full well that the people I love are struggling in some way, including myself. We dig for the solutions to our problems and the answers to our complicated questions. Many of us are sick of the phrase "it'll just take time". We become frustrated when God doesn't solve things on our schedule, which is selfish but entirely true. I am experiencing the growing pains of patience. While none of us want to stay in our respective situations, there's a certain beauty hidden in the bitterness.

The sun shone a little brighter today. God is faithful.

home sweet abilene.

Me blogging is a scary concept. As I type this, I'm filtering through mental flashbacks of the 'xanga' days. Thank goodness that phase has come and gone. The purpose of this blog is mostly just to document my travels as I head to England in the spring for Study Abroad, since I usually lack anything newsworthy to publish. All that to say, posts may be few and far between. Bear with me.

The semester officially starts on Monday, but I've been in town all this past week working as a leader for Welcome Week and getting settled in our wonderful new pod in Barret! I cannot stress how ready I am for growth this year. I feel like I would be limiting my potential by setting expectations, so I am just pressing in and getting ready for God to speak through me and reveal my purpose. So let's do this. :]

I think it's bedtime. Thanks for listening.